Idle thoughts

Another one of my years here is approaching finality and again I sit back and wonder, what next?

I'm pondering the meaning of "value" and I'm wondering which way the scales are tipping for me.  Better the devil you do than the devil you don't?

I'm an ace at spontaneous and impulsive decisions, but time is running out and some things have changed, so I'm a little lost for absolute clarity about the route to take.  I've tempted fate many times, pushed limits and took chances in and on life, and so far I have a 100% success rate of surviving.  I've come dangerously close to dying too many times to remember, and probably a whole lot more times that I'm unaware of, leaving me with a pre-conceived notion that I'll still be around for a little longer, and "value" during the little longer is what I am seeking.  

How does one measure value anyway?  Some may see it as money or material things, thinking only of value in terms of possessions.  Others may see it as the comfortable lives they live, perhaps friends, family, stable jobs or a comfortable retirement.  My sense of value is a little different except for family who hold the most value for me.  Friends come and go, jobs come and go, possessions mean nothing to me, I'm not yet (or ever will be) ready to retire, and my job is stable on a year to year basis based on specific conditions.  So,wherein will I find value?

Why do I have this distinct itch that needs scratching?  I've no doubt that the answer lies somewhere in the far corner of my subconscious, but also eludes me.

Perhaps my apparent gloom is pre-empted by it being the time of the year when I'm excitedly counting days to see my family in SA for a few weeks again.  I can't wait to see them, but at the same time I dread the trip to SA.  I always wonder if I'm going to get out of there alive - it scares me that I will meet my demise at the hands of the savages running riot in the country.  If it is indeed "my time", I'd much rather it be peacefully and with dignity over here.  Over dramatising somewhat, but the transition from here to there is foremost in my mind, and I tend to expect the worst, but hope for the best.

When all the paranoia is over and done ... what then?  Where is the value I am trying to find?  Back to that devil again .... the one I know, or the one I don't?

I'm waiting for an epiphany.